His Royal First Postness

firstpost @ 2006-07-24T23:26:00

2006-07-25T06:39:34Z

I am not all about posting. This is an account for trolling trolls (which is hilarious to me). If you want to read real, heartfelt comments about my life (not the exploits of my troll-trolling), go here.

Still, because it's posted in a syndicated feed and will be obliterated in a matter of two weeks, I have to copy/paste some shit right here, right now because I made myself laugh. Making myself laugh is what this journal is all about. If you want to read the honest entries where I try to make my friends and family laugh, go here.

Setup: a guy on xkcd_rss suggests that the comic for the day is a copycat entry in a Questionable Content write-alike contest by saying, "Also known as: QC-envy."

Delivery: and I said...

"Oh man, if you get off on telling people they're ripping off comic ideas, you should hang out on Keenspace! Seriously, you could troll for weeks over there.

Also, try Googling 'video game comic'. You can go back and forth between forums saying each one is copying all the others. You'll be like the fucking Yojimbo of trolls. You should be careful though. I mean, some comparisons have already been done. Like, don't accuse PvP or VG Cats of ripping off Penny Arcade. Seriously, it's been done and you'll never look hip that way.

Also, if you're going to claim that anyone is ripping off the idea for a comic about music (which is a pretty broad topic but still doable if you're extra hip), reference Nothing Nice To Say which started a year before Questionable Content. Only, make sure you call it NN2S for added 'cred.'

Rock on, hipster copy-foul troll!"

Summary: I'm not saying that I'm the king of witticism or nothin' but "Yojimbo of trolls" deserves a fucking medal.

firstpost @ 2004-04-10T03:29:00

2004-04-10T10:47:50Z

My loyal subjects, the other botched attempt at "first post" glory is a little more troubling. Similar to eeriedescent's error in judgment from earlier, sublicon blew his first post by cocking up the invocation. As a matter of clarification, the proper words are "first post," not "welkwflkernd" nor "KING OF THA WORLD MOTHAFUCKAAAAZZZ!!!!" While creativity and variation are encouraged, pounding your keyboard and hitting Enter obscures the message. In order to draw the ire of thousands, you must use recognizable terminology, not gobbledygook. Let us all try a little harder over the Easter weekend shall we? Jesus loves all the little first posters.

Your liege is disappointed.

firstpost @ 2004-04-10T03:29:00

2004-04-10T10:39:30Z

My loyal subjects, I wonder if there is something in the air that is causing a multitude of attempted first posts to fail so miserably. I addressed two yesterday morning and there were yet another two last night. mordant used appropriate zeal in this comment but missed the mark. It is likely that the reason he crashed in second place was his time-wasting use of 12-year-old girl AOL slang: "LOL OMFG ROFL LMAO ZBC XYZ!!!!!11111!11!ONE!" The only saving grace of this assault was the extreme number of comments he received including one on the definition of "first post."

Your liege is disappointed.

firstpost @ 2004-04-09T04:53:00

2004-04-09T11:59:19Z

My loyal subjects, no one seems to be getting it right today. If you're going to join the legions of those who strive for "first post," then you must be willing to strike without hesitation. eeriedescent successfully nabbed the top comment spot here but destroyed her credibility with a half-hearted "maybe." You must all understand. To be annoying is not enough; you must be boldly annoying. I will accept no waffling from my flock.

Your liege is disappointed.

firstpost @ 2004-04-09T02:03:00

2004-04-09T09:14:33Z

My loyal subjects, we have yet another example of what not to do. roukzeptea23 actually achieved the first post here but failed to brand it as such. Note: to achieve greatness, one must put it all on the line and write the sacred words. By replying to her own comment in order to point out she had achieved the first post but didn't realize it till later, she brought great shame upon herself. Hell, just describing the atrocity hurts my head.

Your liege is disappointed.

firstpost @ 2004-04-05T18:49:00

2004-04-06T02:16:44Z

My loyal subjects, there is a lesson in today's dedication: no venue is too small for a "first post." You might think master_flea was wasting their time in a syndicated community that averages roughly five comments per post. It would be easy to dismiss their assault and many might suggest they put their efforts into a location where greater numbers would be annoyed. I disagree. Every member of our army, no matter how young or old, no matter their race or sex, no matter how retarded the X-Men character they choose to champion, should be discouraged. Every little bit helps in the war on...you know, places that don't have first posts and stuff.

Your liege salutes you.

firstpost @ 2004-03-31T14:10:00

2004-03-31T22:17:42Z

My loyal subjects, disgrace has befallen one of our order today due to both slowness and sloppiness. fallstosilver attempted a hybrid comment today including both a declaration of "FIRSTT!!!!" and some on-topic conversation here. Her failure to obtain first post status was likely due to the moments spent composing the rest of her message. Her shame could have been partially ameliorated by deleting this "false first" but she chose instead to reply to her own comment!

Your liege is disappointed.

firstpost @ 2004-03-30T04:39:00

2004-03-30T12:47:33Z

My loyal subjects, today we highlight an interesting case. xxsweetfacadexx has straddled the line with her recent assault here. Some might see this hybrid as a weakened form of the "first post" because it segues into on-topic conversation. I believe she is still upholding the honor of our order though. No matter what words may follow, the declaration of "first post" maintains its sting of obnoxiousness.

Your liege salutes you.

firstpost @ 2004-03-28T14:56:00

2004-03-28T22:59:51Z

My loyal subjects, lest I forget, I also wanted to recognize the efforts of someone from earlier in March. Though it's been done before, getting a first post into news can be tricky. Not only did c_in_amopyhrain manage to do so, they pulled it off with class. "This is the first comment" shall go down as a bold step toward a new, more poetic movement in first postdom.

Your liege salutes you.

firstpost @ 2004-03-28T14:43:00

2004-03-28T22:52:33Z

My loyal subjects, I wish to take a moment to highlight the accomplishments of a special individual. One of our own has produced a masterwork here. Through the use of six exclamation points, sniser incited a mini-riot of 12 comments about their first post. At one time, said user was a professed non-believer but everyone shows their true colors in the end.

Your liege salutes you.